Why I use an alternate approach to asking ‘RU OK?’
Men. Next time you have a social 1:1 with another man, maybe don’t simply ask ‘RU OK.’
“What!” you collectively exclaim. “This is heresy!”
The problem with probing…
Well, if you actually think about that question — despite its good intentions — in the case of a man it will most likely be taken defensively… unless the recipient is already self-aware enough and equipped with tools to respond, through whatever work they are already doing elsewhere. Or if you already have that depth of relationship where you are comfortable showing vulnerability.
Men have had a lifetime of conditioning that they must compete. Win on the field, win on the stage, win in their work. Be a winner. Never show weakness or they will lose the battle; worse lose the war. Defend the flank. Grit your teeth. Persevere. Win.
Worse still, some other men DO strategically seek out weaknesses in others that might help them to gain the winning edge. Garner the intel to outwit, outplay, outlast.
Even worse that that, there are some men that sadistically like having power over others.
Is it really stigma?
It’s less about the so-called ‘stigma’ and much more about fundamental evolutionary biology, to survive in a dog eat dog world.
We can’t be only asking a probing question because its fashionable or expected in modern society… at least not with most men.
More often than not, words subconsciously roll off their lips “Yep. I’m fine. Pretty good. Not too bad. I’m OK.”
All the while, the mind is pondering… “Is this pity? False compassion? Corporate responsibility? Do I seem like I’m not OK?”
You don’t (literally) let down your guard because someone asks you to, unless you know you are totally safe.
Instead…
Here’s a different approach. An approach that creates safety. Something that has been surprisingly transformative in my own interactions with other men in the past couple of weeks.
Simply start talking about YOUR mental health… whatever state you are in and wherever you are on the continuum. Set the bar. Be open. Be truthful. Be vulnerable.
SHOW that is is ‘OK’ to talk about the reality of your personal and professional struggles, across all areas of living. Call it for what it is. In plain English, describe what you’ve been thinking or feeling or experiencing. Are you worried? Are you lonely? Are you overwhelmed? Are you having trouble with parenting? Finances? Marriage? Addiction? Performance?
Whatever it is, be a man and say it.
Don’t expect reciprocation.
DON’T ask if they are OK unless they tentatively and openly volunteer.
Strengthen your relationship through courage
By taking this approach, not only can you potentially help yourself (through talking out loud), you may even be helped by that other person’s perspective and wisdom. More importantly, you may also help that someone to start talking out loud about their own mental health. Maybe they haven’t yet found a safe place for trusted dialogue and this is the opportunity they’ve needed. Or maybe you’ll hear about it next time because they now know you can be trusted.
In any case, you’ll only strengthen your ‘mateship.’ You’ll only be seen as having courage. If it goes any other way, there’s your warning flag that this might not be the best person to have in your close social circle.
Most of us just need an example, and we will typically learn, imitate, and replicate.
Be the someone who demonstrates that talking about mental health is OK. That this is normal. This is living. This is Life.
